“It’s like Hugging a Cactus”: How to Soften the Sharp Edges of Misophonia in Relationships

Misophonia is no easy condition to live with. It affects so many areas of one’s life. It makes it difficult to navigate everyday situations that entail suffering from triggering sounds and sights. One particularly difficult victim of misophonia is relationships. Anyone with misophonia knows exactly what I’m talking about. When you have misophonia and someone that you love also happens to be your trigger, we are dealing with a problematic situation.

As an example, the problem can look like this: Jack and Jill are newly married. Jack is triggered by Jill’s chewing. He is also triggered be how she touches her face in a certain way. Jill has been doing these very same actions her whole life, but now Jack finds them deeply bothersome (to say the least.) Every time he perceives either of those triggers he either has to leave the room, let her know by glaring at her in hopes that she “gets the point”, or by asking her to stop.

In short: everyday mundane activities are highly triggering. Jack loves Jill and vice versa, and yet there is these triggers. For Jack it feels like it is “trying to hug someone who is wearing an invisible sweater with sharp thorns on them.” Like hugging a cactus. They want to get and be close, but he keeps getting pricked--he keeps getting triggered.

Of course, Jill’s response does not help. She pushes back, understandably, saying “I’m just chewing” or “I’m not doing it on purpose.” Jack knows somewhere in the back of his mind that there is truth to that but it simply does not feel that way. It often feels like Jill doesn’t care. After all, did he not tell her several times “please don’t chew that way I find it very triggering.” Making matters worse, Jill believes that Jack often “overreacts.”

 That only makes the thorns feel sharper.

 This story of Jack and Jill can have many different permutations of relationships (e.g. partner, mother, daughter, father, son, relatives and friends) but the concept is true to all. Two people who care about each other but can’t seem to really understand each other on this specific issue. Sometimes the situation becomes somewhat functionally manageable, sometimes not. At times people move apart. Either way, it is not easy.

 These situations are extremely common when misophonia is present because the triggers are usually other people (not always). Making matters worse, the triggers are almost always people that are close to individuals with misophonia. Hence the strain that misophonia places on important relationships.

As indicated above, the triggering sounds or sights are generally every day mundane sounds such as breathing, chewing, footsteps, or body movements. This leads to tension about “who should change.” In other words, who is the “wrong” party that should be responsible for change in order to restore the equanimity. Is Jill “right” for what she views is merely “eating as usual” or is Jack “right” for asking Jill to change her eating habits because of the fact that her chewing feels like she is “attacking” him. Yes, I wrote attacking, because that is how it is often felt and experienced. It is felt as if it is intentional.

 So, who is right?

 The way I see it, they are both right. Jill is NOT trying to trigger Jack AND Jack feels that Jill is trying to trigger him. This is not contradictory.

 One of the realities of our psychological worlds is that it is feasible—and quite common—to feel something even though the feeling is not necessarily a reflection of the “outside” reality. But that does not mean the feeling is wrong. A feeling is never “wrong” because a feeling does not lend itself to logic.

 So we are left with a situation involving Jack getting triggered by Jill. Maybe she does not intend it, but shouldn’t she stop making the sounds? After all she is the one triggering Jack—if Jill only stopped everything would be fine!

 In truth, “stopping” generally doesn’t work because there is always going to be another trigger that cannot be avoided. Like the sound of breathing or footsteps.

 So, I generally rule out the idea of the triggering party to end making the sounds because it is not going to “take care of the problem.” In fact, it usually makes it worse because avoidance makes misophonia worse and it hampers the individual’s ability to learn how to cope with the distressing triggers when they feel there is a way to escape. There are really one of three options: (1)Jack’s avoidance (not a great option) (2) Jill trying to not do any triggering behaviors (which leaves her walking a tight rope because there is low threshold for triggering sounds and sights) or (3) working on the misophonia itself, such as through therapy.

 In truth there is a fourth option to help the situation. This can be done by reducing the blame-game and confusion that is completely understandable given the nature of misophonia. This is done by arriving at a place which is mutually understood, validated, and accepted. While, the misophonia itself might remain the same, the following are some ways to reduce some of negative feelings that emerge out of the painful situation that misophonia can cause--out of no one fault.

For Jill: Your job is to work hard to genuinely empathies with Jack’s situation. Understand that it really does feel very painful to Jack when you chew. He is not making it up one bit. Allow yourself to imagine how difficult the situation is. Try to reduce the defensive posture which you understandably erected in response to the idea of you “triggering” on purpose or not caring. This is not about you--this is about the feelings Jack gets when you chew. Allow Jack to get angry because that is what he is feeling. Perhaps even tell Jack “it must be very difficult to have to deal with these triggers from me.” Focus less on your own position, and more on the difficult that Jack is in. Allow Jack to feel whatever feelings show up for him, even though some of them don’t reflect your reality. Give Jack’s emotional reality a voice and you be an ear to it. Simply accept his world as it experienced without being defensive when it feels like it does not reflect your view.

For Jack: Give yourself compassion and acceptance that you are going through a very difficult situation. Use “I” statements expressing your pain. For example, you can say “I feel like you don’t care about me when you chew that way because you know it bothers me.” The goal is to focus on our own emotions and not use them to describe the other persons intentions. Understand that it is possible to feel attacked even though you are not actually being intentionally triggered. Try to avoid expectations that Jill should alter her behavior so she does not trigger you. This is not because your pain is not real. It is because people do not expect to be told not to do something that almost everyone does. If you feel that there is an solution in the hands of Jill that can improve your quality of life the ask her in a way that does not indicate that you expect it.

This is one way a conversation can go:

 Jack: When you were chewing earlier today I felt like you did not care that it bothered me. I know that your intention is not to hurt me, or that you don’t care about me, but it just felt that way.

 Jill: (feeling defensive but also thinking about Jack situation) Thank you for sharing this with me. It still can be hard for me to hear from you that my actions made your feel that way. In truth, I can’t imagine what it is like to have such a strong reaction to everyday sounds. I can’t promise that my actions wont trigger you in the future because I can’t stop chewing, but I can understand that it is very painful to get triggered by those sounds.

 Jack: Thank you for acknowledging that my situation is painful. It can be quite confusing and lonely as well.

While this does not address the actual symptoms of misophonia, it still can make those thorns a little less prickly.